Allan pease why men dont listen pdf

This book is dedicated to all the men and women who have ever sat up at 2am pulling their hair out as they plead with their partners, 'But why don't you under- stand? Not only will this book help you come to grips with the opposite sex, it'll help you understand yourself. And how you can both lead happier, healthier and more har- monious lives as a result. Not better or worse - different. Just about the only thing they have in common is that they belong to the same species. They live in different worlds, with different values and according to quite different sets of rules.

Everyone knows this, but very few people, particularly men, are willing to admit it. The truth, however, is most definitely out there. Look at the evidence.

Men and women of every culture, creed and hue constantly argue over their partners' opinions, behaviour, attitudes and beliefs. Some Things Are Obvious When a man goes to a toilet, he usually goes for one reason and one reason only. Women use toilets as social lounges and therapy rooms. Women who go to a toilet as strangers can come out best friends and lifelong buddies. But everyone would be instantly suspicious of the man who called out, 'Hey Frank, I'm going to the toilet.

You wanna come with me? Under pressure, men drink alcohol and invade other countries; women eat chocolate and go shopping. Men criticise women about their driving, for not being able to read street directories, for turning maps upside down, for their lack of a sense of direction, for talking too much without getting to the point, for not initiating sex often enough, turning the temperature up, and for leaving the toilet seat down. Men can never find a pair of socks but their CDs are in alphabetical order.

Women can always find the missing set of car keys, but rarely the most direct route to their desti- nation. Men think they're the most sensible sex. Women know they are. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? It's unknown. It's never happened. Men marvel at the way a woman can walk into a room full of people and give an instant commentary on everyone; women can't believe men are so unobservant. Men are amazed how a woman can't see a red flashing oil light on the car dashboard but can spot a dirty sock in a dark corner 50 metres away.

Women are bewil- dered by men who can consistently parallel park a car in a tight spot using a rear-view mirror, but can never find the G-spot. If a woman is out driving and gets lost, she'll stop and ask for directions. To a man, this is a sign of weakness. He'll drive round in circles for hours, muttering things like, 'I've found a new way to get there' or 'I'm in the general area' and 'Hey, I recognise that petrol station! Men hunted, women gathered. Men protected, women nurtured.

As a result, their bodies and brains evolved in completely different ways. As their bodies physically changed to adapt to their specific functions, so did their minds.

Men grew taller and stronger than most women, while their brains developed to suit their tasks. Women were mostly content for men to work away as they kept the cave fires burning, and their brains evolved to cope with their function in life. Over millions of years, the brain structures of men and women thus continued to change in different ways. Now, we know the sexes process infor- mation differently. They think differently. They believe different things.

They have different perceptions, prior- ities and behaviours. To pretend otherwise, is a recipe for heartache, confusion and disillusionment all your life. The 'Stereotype' Argument Since the late s, there has been an explosion of research into male and female differences and the way both the male and female brains work.

For the first time ever, advanced computer brainscanning equipment has allowed us to see the brain operating 'live' and, with that peek into the vast landscape of the human mind, provided us with many of the answers to the questions about male and female differences. For most of the 20th Century those differences were explained away by social conditioning; that is, we are who we are because of our parents' and teachers' attitudes which, in turn, reflected the attitudes of their society.

Baby girls were dressed in pink and given dolls to play with; baby boys were dressed in blue and given toy soldiers and football jerseys. Young girls were cuddled and touched while boys were thumped on the back and told not to cry. Until recently, it was believed that when a baby was born its mind was a clean slate on which its teachers could write its choices and pref- erences.

The biological evidence now available, however, shows a somewhat different picture of why we think the way we do. It shows convincingly that it is our hormones and brain wiring that are largely responsible for our attitudes, preferences and behaviour. This means that if boys and girls grew up on a deserted island with no organised society or parents to guide them, girls would still cuddle, touch, make friends and play with dolls, while boys would compete mentally and physically with each other and form groups with a clear hierarchy.

The wiring of our brain in the womb and the effect of hormones will determine how we think and behave. As you will see, the way our brains are wired and the hormones pulsing through our bodies are the two factors that largely dictate, long before we are born, how we will think and behave. Our instincts are simply our genes determining how our bodies will behave in given sets of circumstances. Since the s a number of pressure groups have tried to persuade us to buck our biological legacy.

They claim that governments, religions and education systems have added up to nothing more than a plot by men to suppress women, colluding to keep good women down. Keeping women pregnant was a way of controlling them even more. Certainly, historically, that's how it appears. But the question needs to be asked: If women and men are identical, as these groups claim, how could men ever have achieved such total dominance over the world?

The study of how the brain works now gives us many answers. We are not identical. Men and women should be equal in terms of their opportunities to exercise their full potential, but they are definitely not identical in their innate abilities. Whether men and women are equal is a political or moral question, but whether they are identical is a scientific one.

The equality of men and women is a political or moral issue; the essential difference is a scientific one. Those who resist the idea that our biology affects our behaviour often do so with the best of intentions - they oppose sexism. But they are confused about the difference between equal and identical which are two completely different issues.

In this book, you will see how science confirms that men and woman are profoundly different both physically and mentally.

They are not the same. The brain differences between women and men are now clear, beyond all speculation, prejudice or reasonable doubt. When weighing up the differences between males and females discussed in this book, some people may say, 'No, that's not like me, I don't do that!

But we are dealing here with average men and women, that is, how most men and women behave most of the time, in most situations and for most of the past.

The tallest or biggest person in the room may be a woman, but overall the men are bigger and taller than the women. In the Guinness Book of World Records , the biggest and tallest people have almost always been men. The tallest person in the year was Radhouane Charbib of Tunisia who stood 2. History books are full of 'Big Johns' and 'Little Suzies'! This is not sexist. It's fact. Where We the Authors Stand Reading this book, some people may begin to feel smug, arrogant or angry.

This is because, to a greater or lesser extent, they are victims of idealistic philosophies that claim women and men are the same, so let's clarify our position on this now. We, the authors, are writing this book to help you develop and improve your rela- tionships with both sexes. Difference is not the opposite of equality. Equality means being free to choose to do the things we want to do and difference means that, as men or women, we may not want to do the same things.

We usually choose different things off the same list. Our aim is to look objectively at male and female relationships, explain the history, meanings and impli- cations involved and to develop techniques and strate- gies for a happier and more fulfilling way of life. We won't beat about the bush with suppositions, politically correct cliches or scientific mumbo-jumbo. If something looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, walks like a duck and there is enough evidence to prove it's a duck, then that's what we'll call it.

The evidence presented here shows that the sexes are intrinsically inclined to behave in different ways. We are not suggesting that either sex is bound to behave or should behave in any particular way. Jasmine, she wrapped in a pink blanket, and Adam, in a blue one. Relatives brought soft fluffy toys as gifts for Jasmine, and a toy football and a tiny football jersey for Adam.

Everyone cooed and gooed and talked softly to Jasmine, telling her she was pretty and gorgeous, but it was usually only the female relatives who picked her up and cuddled her. When the male relatives visited, they focused mostly on Adam, speaking noticeably louder, poking his belly, bouncing him up and down and proposing a future as a football player.

It does, however, raise the question: Is this adult behaviour caused by our biology or is it learned behaviour that is perpetuated from generation to generation?

Is it nature or nurture? For most of the 20th century, psychologists and soci- ologists believed most of our behaviour and preferences were learnt from our social conditioning and our envi- ronment. However, we know that nurturing is a learned phenomenon - adoptive mothers, whether they are human or monkey, usually do a superb job of nurturing their infants. Scientists, on the other hand, have argued that biology, chemistry and hormones are largely responsible.

Since , there has been overwhelming evidence to support this scientific view that we are born with much of our brain software already in place. The fact that men were usually the hunters and women the nurturers even today dictates our behaviour, beliefs and priorities.

A major study at Harvard University shows that we not only behave differently towards boy and girl babies, we also use different words. To baby girls we softly say, 'You're so sweet', 'You're a little sweet- heart', 'You're a beautiful little girl' and to baby boys we raise our voices and say, 'Hey, big boy! Similarly, the Harvard study found that adults' distinctive behaviour towards baby girls and boys only accentuated the differences that already exist. When you put a duck on a pond, it starts to swim.

Look beneath the surface, and you'll see the duck has webbed feet. If you analyse its brain, you'll find that it evolved with a 'swimming module' already in place. The pond is just where the duck happens to be at the time and is not causing its behaviour.

We are different because our brain is wired differently. This causes us to perceive the world in different ways and have different values and priorities. Your Human Guidebook This book is like a guidebook to visit a foreign culture or country. It contains local slang and phrases, body language signals and an insight into why the inhabi- tants are the way they are.

Most tourists travel to foreign countries without having done much local research and become intimidated or critical because the locals won't speak English or cook burgers and chips.

But to enjoy and benefit from the experience of another culture you must first understand its history and evolution. Then you need to learn basic phrases and to sample their lifestyle for first hand expe- rience and a deeper appreciation of that culture. That way you won't look, sound and act like a tourist - the kind of person who would have benefited just as much from staying at home and merely thinking of other lands.

This book will show you how to enjoy and benefit from the knowledge of the opposite sex. But first you must understand their history and evolution. On a visit to Windsor Castle, an American tourist was heard to say, 'It's a wonderful castle, but why did they build it so close to the airport?

It's about real people, authentic research, actual events and recorded conversations. And you don't need to worry about dendrites, corpus callosum, neuropeptides, magnetic resonance imaging and serotonin in researching brain function. We did, but we're now keeping everything as simple as possible to make it easy to read.

We deal largely with a relatively recent science called sociobiol- ogy - the study of how behaviour is explained by our genes and our evolution. You will discover a powerful set of concepts, tech- niques and strategies that are scientifically substantiated and appear, for the most part, to be obvious or common sense. We've cast aside all techniques, practices or opinions that aren't grounded in, or proven by, science. We deal here with the modern naked ape - the ape who controls the world with mega-computers and can land on Mars, and who can still be traced directly back to a fish.

Millions of years was spent developing us as a species, yet today, we are thrust into a technological, politically correct world that makes little or no allowance for our biology. It took us nearly million years to evolve into a society sophisticated enough to put a man on the moon, but he still had to go to the toilet like his primitive ancestors when he got there. Humans may look a little different from one culture to another but, underneath, our biological needs and urges are the same.

We will demonstrate how our different behav- ioural traits are inherited or passed on from generation to generation and, as you will see, there are practically no cultural differences. Let's now take a brief look at how our brain evolved. The man would venture out each day into a hostile and dangerous world to risk his life as a hunter to bring food back to his woman and their children, and he would defend them against savage animals or enemies.

He developed long-distance navigational skills so he could locate food and bring it home, and excellent marksmanship skills so that he could hit a moving target. His job description was straightforward: he was a lunch-chaser, and that's all anyone expected of him. The woman, however, felt valued because her man would put his life on the line to care for his family. His success as a man was measured by his ability to make a kill and bring it home, and his self-worth was measured by her appreciation for his struggle and effort.

The family depended on him to carry out his job description as a lunch-chaser and protector - and nothing else. There was never any need for him to 'analyse the rela- tionship' and he wasn't expected to put out the garbage or help change the nappies. The woman's role was equally clear. Being appointed the child-bearer directed the way she would evolve and how her skills would become specialised to meet that role.

She needed to be able to monitor her immediate surroundings for signs of danger, have excellent short- range navigational skills, using landmarks to find her way, and have a highly-tuned ability to sense small changes in the behaviour and appearance of children and adults.

Things were simple: He was the lunch- chaser, she was the nest-defender. Her day would be spent caring for her children, col- lecting fruits, vegetables and nuts and interacting with the other women in the group. Her self-worth came from the man's appreciation of her home-making and nurturing skills. Her ability to bear children was considered magical, even sacred, for she alone held the secret to giving life.

She was never expected to hunt animals, fight enemies or change light bulbs. Survival was difficult but the relationship was easy. And this was the way it was for hundreds of thousands of years. At the end of each day, the hunters would return with their kill. The kill was divided equally and everyone would eat together in the communal cave. Each hunter would trade part of his kill with the woman for her fruit and vegetables. After the meal, the men would sit around the fire, gazing into it, playing games, telling stories or sharing jokes.

It was a prehistoric man's version of flicking TV channels with his remote control or being absorbed in a newspaper. They were exhausted from their hunting efforts and were recuperating to begin the hunt again the next day. The women would continue to tend the children and make sure the men were sufficiently fed and rested. Each appreciated the other's efforts. Men were not considered lazy and women were not seen as their oppressed handmaidens.

These simple rituals and behaviours still exist amongst ancient civilisations in places like Borneo, parts of Africa and Indonesia, and with some Aboriginal Australians, New Zealand Maoris, and the Inuit of Canada and Greenland. In these cultures each person knows and understands his or her role. Men appreciate women and women appreciate men. Each sees the other as uniquely contributing to the family's survival and well-being.

We Didn't Expect it to Be Like This The family unit is no longer solely dependent on men for its survival and women are no longer expected to stay at home as nurturers and home-makers. For the first time in the history of our species, most men and women are confused about their job descriptions. You, the reader of this book, are the first generation of humans to face a set of circumstances that your fore- fathers or mothers never had to tackle. For the first time ever, we are looking to our partners for love, passion and personal fulfilment because basic survival is no longer critical.

Our modern social structure usually provides a basic level of subsistence through social security, National Health, consumer protection laws and various Government institutions.

So what are the new rules, and where do you learn them? This book attempts to provide some answers. Why Mum and Dad Can't Help If you were born before , you grew up watching your parents behave towards each other based on the ancient rules of male and female survival. Your parents were repeating the behaviour they learned from their parents who, in turn, were copying their parents, who mimicked their parents, and back it goes to the ancient cave people in their clearly defined roles.

Now the rules have changed completely, and your parents don't know how to help. We need to learn a new set of rules in order to discover how to be happy and survive emotionally intact into the 21st Century. We're Still Just Another Animal Most people have difficulty thinking of themselves as just another animal. The only thing that makes us different from other animals is our ability to think and make forward plans.

Other animals can only respond to situ- ations based on the genetic wiring of their brain and by repetition of behaviour. They cannot think; they can only react. Most people accept and acknowledge that animals have instincts that largely determine their behaviour.

This instinctive behaviour is easy to see - birds sing, frogs croak, male dogs cock their leg and cats stalk their prey. But these are not intellectual behaviours, so many people have difficulty making the connection between this behaviour and their own. They even ignore the fact that their own first behaviours were instinctive - crying and sucking. Whatever behaviours we inherit, positive or negative, from our parents are likely to be passed on to our children the same way it happens with all animals.

When we as humans accept ourselves as an animal whose impulses are honed by millions of years of evolution, it makes it easier to understand our basic urges and impulses, and to be more accepting of ourselves and others.

And therein lies the way to true happiness. Inside, Sue looked John full in the face and, without appearing to move her lips, said, 'Look at that couple over by the window. In this chapter we will explore research into the sensory perception differences between men and women and the implications they have on our relationships.

Women as Radar Detectors It is obvious to a woman when another woman is upset or feeling hurt, while a man would generally have to physically witness tears, a temper tantrum or be slapped around the face before he'd even have a clue anything was going on. For, like most female mammals, women are equipped with far more finely tuned sensory skills than men. As child-bearers and nest-defenders, they needed the ability to sense subtle mood and attitude changes in others.

What is commonly called 'women's intuition' is mostly a woman's acute ability to notice small details and changes in the appearance or behaviour of others. It's something that, throughout history, has bewildered men who play around - and are invariably caught. Estimating the distance between the car fender and the garage wall while moving is, however, a spatial skill located in the right hemisphere in men and is not strong in most women.

We'll discuss that later in Chapter 5. Males, being lunch-chasers, were never around the cave long enough to learn to read non-verbal signals or the ways of interpersonal communication. A woman knows her children's friends, hopes, dreams, romances, secret fears, what they are thinking, how they are feeling and, usually, what mischief they are plotting. Men are vaguely aware of some short people also living in the house. The retina at the back of the eyeball contains about million rod-shaped cells called photorecep- tors to deal with black and white, and seven million cone-shaped cells to handle colour.

The X chromosome provides these colour cells. Women have two X chro- mosomes which gives them a greater variety of cones than men and this difference is noticeable in how women describe colours in greater detail. A man will use basic colour descriptions like red, blue and green, but a woman will talk of bone, aqua, teal, mauve and apple green. Human eyes have noticeable whites which other primates lack. This allows for the movement of the eye and the direction of the gaze which are vital to human face-to-face communication.

Womens' eyes display more white than mens' eyes because close-range personal com- munication is an integral part of female bonding, and more white allows a greater range of eye signals to be sent and received in the direction that the eyes move. This type of eye communication is not critical to most other species of animal and so they have little or no whites and rely on body language as the main form of communication.

Eyes in the Back of her Head? Well, not quite, but close. Women not only have a greater variety of cones in the retina, they also have wider peripheral vision than men. A man's eyes are larger than a woman's and his brain configures them for a type of long-distance tunnel vision which means that he can see clearly and accurately directly in front of him and over greater distances, almost like a pair of binoculars.

Women have wider peripheral vision, men have tunnel vision. As a hunter, a man needed vision that would allow him to zero in on, and pursue, targets in the distance. He evolved with almost blinkered vision so that he would not be distracted from targets, whereas a woman needed eyes to allow a wide arc of vision so that she could monitor any predators sneaking up on the nest. This is why modern men can find their way effortlessly to a distant pub, but can never find things in fridges, cupboards and drawers.

In Australia, boy pedestrian fatalities and injuries are more than double that of girls. Boys take more risks crossing the road than girls and this, combined with poorer peripheral vision, increases their injury rate.

You can increase your peripheral vision range with practice, just as fighter pilots do. The arc of a person's peripheral vision can also increase under life-threatening circumstances. During a prison riot at Australia's Perth prison in , inmates held several prison officers hostage. They announced that unless their demands were met, the officers would be killed.

Prison officer Lance Bremen reported that, until that time, he had 'typical male tunnel vision'. Having survived the incident, his peripheral vision had increased to almost degrees.

Because of the trauma of the event and the fear of being killed, his brain had expanded his vision range to monitor anyone trying to sneak up on him. Why Women's Eyes See So Much Billions of photons of light equal to megabytes of computer data strike the retina of the eye every second. This is too much for the brain to handle so it edits the information down to only what is necessary for survival.

For example, once your brain understands all the colours of the sky, it selects only what it needs to see - the colour blue. Our brain narrows our vision so that we can concentrate on a specific thing. If we are searching for a needle in a carpet, we have a more con- centrated narrow field of vision. Men's brains, being pre- wired for hunting, see a much narrower field. The Slippery Case of the Missing Butter Every woman in the world has had the following con- versation with a male who is standing in front of an open fridge.

David: 'Where's the butter? I put it in ten minutes ago! You must have put it somewhere else. There's definitely no butter in this fridge! Inexperienced men sometimes feel that this is a trick and they accuse women of always hiding things from them in drawers and cupboards. Socks, shoes, underwear, jam, butter, car keys, wallets - they're all there, they just can't see them.

With her wider arc of peripheral vision a woman can see most of the contents of a fridge or cupboard without moving her head. Her oestrogen hormones allow her to identify matching items in a drawer, cupboard or across a room and later remember objects in a complex random pattern - such as where the butter or jam is in the refrigerator. If it's facing the wrong way, he virtually can't see it. This is why men move their heads. Men move their heads from side to side and up and down as they scan for the 'missing' objects.

These differences in vision have important implica- tions throughout our lives. Women's greater peripheral vision allows them to see traffic approaching from the side. They are more likely to be hit in the front or back of the car while attempting to reverse parallel park, as that challenges their less-developed spatial skills. A woman's life is much less stressful when she under- stands the problems men have seeing things at close range.

When a woman tells a man, 'It's in the cup- board! Men and Ogling Wider peripheral vision is the reason why women rarely get caught ogling men. Attention Please! Description of this book. Previous Synthetic Strategies in Chemistry by B. We will be happy to hear your thoughts. Leave a reply Cancel reply You must be logged in to post a comment.

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